My Goodbye
by Albions-Queen
Summary: A little rewrite of the ending of Chapter 50 of Allegiant (aka Tris' death) Rated T for character death. Written in Tris' and Caleb's perspective


Humans fear death for many reasons . The finality of it, the brutality of it, not knowing what lies beyond; death is cold and unforgiving and scary. When I last faced death I was scared. I thought I could do it, I thought I could face my death, embrace it with open arms, without regret. But I couldn't because like everyone else, I'm only human. I may be divergent, but I'm broken and flawed like everyone else.

But this time, as I lay on the floor with my mother by my right side, I'm not scared. Her cool hand on my cheek as she smiles down at me soothes me as I let my mind wander.  
Tobias. I remember our last night together and it somehow seems fitting that I got to show him just how much I love him - even if it was just once. I try to remember every moment we ever shared, not wanting to let one second of it to be forgotten before I go. I feel a flutter in my chest and my heart beats painfully loud. I can't tell if the change is caused by my heart trying to contain my love for Tobias, or if my body is finally beginning to give up. Tears begin to stream down my cheeks - I don't want to die. The pain in my chest gets stronger as my heartbeat begins to ache at every beat. It feels like my heart is a bomb, exploding again and again in my chest. I meet my mothers eyes and she tells me I need to breathe and try to calm down. I need to hold on.

* * *

I lie on the ground for what feels like hours but I reality is only a matter of minutes. All I feel is guilt, it's crushing me, weighing down on my chest making it hard for me to breathe. Wait, I am actually having problems breathing. I force myself sit up, looking for the wound that's keeping me from breathing easy. Nothing, no physical reason for this crushing pain in my chest that makes me feel heavy. My erudite mind kicks in - my defence mechanism. I notice the security guards groaning in pain behind me are still breathing fine, which rules out a lack of oxygen. I have no bullet wounds which rules out lung damage. Which only leaves psychological damage- I'm in shock. This is a panic attack. All I need to do is try and calm down. I **can** breathe. **I can breathe.**  
In the distance I hear the explosives go off and know that Beatrice has made it. I try to get up but my uneven breathing is making even small movements hard. My need for self preservation is making each step slow. I won't make it in time to be of any help.  
I hear my name and turn around. Matthew. He made it through. He still holds the gun and is running towards me, a triumphant smile on his face. Gunshots sound from behind me. The only person up the corridor is supposed to be Beatrice...

"_We need to get there fast, something's gone wrong_". His words reach me but I'm already running. My heart pounds in my chest, panic attack forgotten I run as fast as I can. There are people dropped outside the doors to the weapon lab. They all looked at me, confusion in their faces and I assume that the memory serum has already taken affect. I burst through the lab doors and that's when I see Beatrice lying on the floor. Her short blond hair is lying in a mess around her pale face. I take an unsteady step towards her and almost slip. The floor is covered in blood- her blood, our blood.

* * *

Somewhere far away I hear footsteps. Although in this eternity I'm stuck in It's hard to judge things like distance, and time. I wish I knew how long I'd been here, lying on this floor staring at the ceiling. I would love to check my watch, but I can't feel my body anymore. I'm not even sure I have my watch on, I have of habit of forgetting to put it on when I'm going to die- the futility of everything makes me want to laugh but I'm not even sure if I remember how to do that anymore. Another footstep and then a face. Caleb. He kneels to my left and places his hands on my chest. He begins steadily pushing on my chest. I had only just grown accustomed to the pain and now he's making it worse. I want to tell him to stop but I can't remember where my mouth is or how to work it, so I just look him in the eyes. He's crying, I've never seen Caleb cry before and in this moment I no longer hold anything over him. I can't bear to look at the sadness in Caleb's eyes any longer so I turn to my mother, who's still sitting by me in a silent vigil.

My mother looks at Caleb too. I can't tell what emotions she feels inside but she looks at him with love. He's still her son, and he's still my older brother. I look back to Caleb and try to convey the total forgiveness I feel - death is stripping away all my negative emotions and leaving me with just love. Caleb mouths the words "_I love you_" but I can't hear him. My father has come to stand my feet and is telling me it's time to go. My mum turns to my father and holds his hand. The both stand over me and each grab a hand and they pull me up. I feel light. All my pain is gone and I Just feel full of love. Love for my family, all my family- including Tobias.

* * *

I was too late. I didn't make it in time. As my hands push down on her chest I feel the life leave her body. I feel so useless. I don't know what to do. I take my bloody hands off her chest and try to wipe the tears from my eyes. She was the strong one, I wasn't strong, I was weak, cowardly and broken. Now I was alone. No family, no friends, no faction. I should have been the one to die.  
_It's not fair._

**A/N : So I just read the whole series for the first time. I finished the first book in one go and read the other two directly after. OMG the ending was just too much. I was in tears from the last sentence of Chapter 48 of Allegiant to the end of the book. So to cope with the all my sad feels I wrote this. I hope you liked it- please give me some criticism it helps me to become better at writing (incredibly sad things).**


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